KEY INGREDIENTS TO A SUCCESSFUL FRIENDSHIP/FELLOWSHIP: PROXIMITY, TIMING, and ENERGY

My oldest daughter recently finished The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, and over dinner last night, she shared some fascinating insights from the book with our family. Beyond the key takeaways promoted in the book, she highlighted the three pillars that explain why some friendships, connections and/or fellowships endure while others naturally fade.  I found the things she shared to be fascinating, so I wanted to share some of the concepts in this blog post. (A quick hat tip to Grok, as I haven’t read the book myself yet!)

 

Friendships/Fellowships are shaped by three pillars: proximity, timing, and energy.

Proximity: The Role of Physical and Emotional Closeness.

Physical proximity refers to the physical or situational nearness that facilitates connection. Friendships often form because people are in the same place at the same time—whether it’s a workplace, school, neighborhood, or shared social circle. Proximity creates opportunities for repeated interactions, which are the foundation of building trust and familiarity. Without intentional effort to stay in touch, the friendship may fade because the natural opportunities for bonding diminish.

Emotional Proximity: Beyond physical location, proximity also includes emotional closeness. This involves shared experiences, vulnerabilities, or life circumstances that create a sense of “being on the same wavelength.” For instance, two friends who bond over navigating similar challenges (e.g., parenting, career transitions) feel emotionally close, even if they’re physically distant. However, if one friend’s circumstances change significantly (e.g., one becomes a parent while the other remains single), the emotional proximity may decrease, leading to a drift

Timing: The Right Moment for Connection. 

Timing refers to the alignment of life stages, priorities, and circumstances that enable a friendship to thrive. Friendships flourish when both individuals are in similar phases of life, with compatible schedules or emotional availability. When timing shifts due to life changes—like marriage, career demands, or personal crises—friendships can struggle.  Timing is about being in sync with a friend’s life phase. For example, friends who bonded over shared career goals in their 20s may drift apart if one starts a family while the other pursues travel or entrepreneurship. Differing priorities can make it hard to relate or find time to connect, leading to a natural fade. Timing also involves being emotionally available for a friendship. If a friend is navigating a crisis (e.g., a divorce or job loss), they may lack the capacity to invest in the relationship. Similarly, if you’re focused on personal growth or intense goals, you may not be as available for connection as before.

Robbins notes that timing is not something you can control. If a friend’s priorities or life stage no longer align with yours, forcing the same level of closeness can feel like swimming against the current. The “Let Them” approach involves accepting their current season of life and focusing on your own path. While the friendship may not be over permanently, clinging to it tightly during a mismatch can lead to disappointment.

Energy: The Emotional Investment and Alignment. 

Energy refers to the emotional effort, enthusiasm, and mutual investment both parties bring to a friendship. It’s about the “vibe” of the relationship—whether it feels reciprocal, uplifting, and aligned with your values. Mismatched or one-sided energy can make a friendship draining or unsustainable.

• Reciprocity and Effort: Energy thrives on mutual give-and-take. A healthy friendship feels balanced, with both friends offering support, listening actively, and making time for each other. If one person is always initiating contact or carrying the emotional load, the imbalance can erode the connection. For instance, constantly texting a friend who rarely responds signals a lack of reciprocal energy, suggesting the friendship isn’t a priority for them.
• Values and Emotional Alignment: Energy also involves shared values and emotional compatibility. Friends with similar outlooks—on humor, ambition, or growth—enjoy a natural flow in interactions. However, if one friend’s values shift (e.g., adopting a lifestyle or belief system you don’t share), the emotional energy may feel misaligned, leading to tension or disconnection.

 Robbins emphasizes that you can’t control someone else’s energy. If a friend’s effort is lacking or their values no longer align with yours, trying to “fix” the relationship is often futile. The “Let Them” theory encourages letting their actions reveal their priorities and redirecting your energy toward connections that feel mutual and fulfilling.

The Emotional Toll of Holding On: Robbins argues that clinging to friendships that no longer fit creates unnecessary stress and prevents you from forming new, meaningful connections. The “Let Them” theory encourages releasing the need to control or fix relationships, which can lead to peace and emotional freedom. Holding onto a fading friendship—whether due to guilt, fear of confrontation, or nostalgia—can lead to resentment, insecurity, or a sense of rejection. For example, if a friend no longer invites you to events, you might obsess over why or try to “win” their attention, which Robbins sees as wasted energy. Instead, she advises accepting their choices and focusing on your own well-being—e.g., seeking new friends who share your current interests or values. This process can be painful, as it involves grieving the loss of what the friendship once was, but it opens space for relationships that align with who you are now.

Natural Fading vs. Toxic Ending: Robbins distinguishes between friendships that naturally fizzle out and those that end due to toxicity or betrayal. Some friendships fade without conflict due to life changes, while others require deliberate boundaries if they become harmful. Not all friendship endings are dramatic. A “slow fizzle” can occur when both parties stop investing due to diverging paths, like moving to different cities or entering new life stages. This is often mutual and doesn’t require confrontation. However, Robbins also acknowledges that some friendships end because of toxic dynamics—e.g., a friend who constantly criticizes you or makes you feel small. In these cases, the “Let Them” theory involves setting boundaries and prioritizing your peace, even if it means stepping away entirely. For example, if a friend’s behavior consistently drains you or violates your values, letting them go is an act of self-care, not failure.

Robbins’ core message is that letting go of friendships that no longer serve you isn’t a failure—it’s an act of empowerment. Not all friendships are meant to last forever, and that’s a natural part of life’s ebb and flow. By embracing the “Let Them” mindset, you free yourself from the emotional burden of trying to control others’ actions or cling to outdated connections. This creates space for new relationships that align with your current self, fostering greater peace and authenticity.

While Robbins’ theory is empowering, some critics argue it risks oversimplifying complex emotional dynamics. For instance, a Reddit thread suggests that the “Let Them” approach might discourage vulnerability, which researchers like Brené Brown argue is essential for connection. However, Robbins counters that letting go isn’t about disconnection but about redirecting energy toward relationships that are mutually fulfilling. The key is balancing acceptance of others’ choices with active investment in your own social well-being.